


and wonder why it always ends the same

by jiwon



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Romance, if that's a thing or something, kiss buddies, reposted bec i made revisions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-23
Packaged: 2018-04-25 21:39:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4977472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jiwon/pseuds/jiwon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyungsoo thinks there's something really comforting about Baekhyun's lips.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. flicker fade

**Author's Note:**

> i think this fic fell into a bucket of radioactive waste and somehow mutated into a 10k+ word story but yeah enjoy this mutant
> 
> also (!!!) i posted this fic last night as a whole but ultimately decided to take it down again bec i thought everything was too rushed esp the ending. i divided it into three parts so i'll have some time to make it slightly better than what it is now yes
> 
> EDIT AS OF JANUARY 04, 2016: i read this again yesterday and realized that there are SO MANY typos. The reason for the wrong capitalization of some words is that i had intended for the entirety of this story to be written in lowercase. i wasn't very precise with correcting each word. ://///

It’s 11:29 when Baekhyun wakes up.

The one thing he hates the most about himself is being a light sleeper, that the slightest sound outside of his room could wake him up. In the middle of the night, he shoots up at the sound of an engine roaring and then dying in their driveway just front and below Baekhyun’s room’s window. He rolls of his bed and peeks from behind his curtains. A yawn escapes his lips as he grabs the gray hoodie hanging in his closet and jumps into a pair of ripped jeans he found lying on the floor. He could honestly care less about what he looks like tonight.

With tons of practice, Baekhyun tiptoes across his house and out of the door with only his phone and wallet in hand. He spots the silver sedan and a silhouette on the passenger seat. A cloud forms when he sighs and he walks towards the vehicle to slip inside the driver’s seat.

The radio isn’t turned on and it’s quiet. Too quiet.

“Do I want to know?” Baekhyun breaks the silence.

Kyungsoo doesn’t even spare him a glance and just sinks back into his seat. “Drive first.”

“Okay.”

 

* * *

 

 

It’s a two hour drive and Baekhyun’s tired as hell, but he stays awake the whole time. And it isn’t because of the several cups of coffee he drank earlier. It’s because being with Kyungsoo feels so loud. It’s so quiet and no words are exchanged, yet he feels like there are so many things that are being communicated from almost nothing. Every exhale, every shift, every hesitant move, Baekhyun sees. 

Baekhyun watches from the driver’s seat as Kyungsoo plops down on the sand. He can barely see Kyungsoo with the light coming from the lampposts standing on the far back, but he can tell by the way Kyungsoo runs his hands through his locks that he was carrying something heavy against his shoulders again.

Baekhyun isn’t surprised anymore, but that doesn’t mean he still doesn’t hate that it keeps happening.

It’s when Kyungsoo has stayed still on his spot with his arms resting on his knees and head hanging low that Baekhyun gets out of the car and sits himself beside the smaller boy. He hates the beach, and Kyungsoo probably doesn’t know that, but he endures it.

“I want to die.”

Baekhyun snorts. “What’s new, right?”

“For real now,” Kyungsoo mutters as he stares out at the sea.

A laugh escapes Baekhyun’s lips again. “Yeah, right.” He puts his hands behind him to support his weight and spreads his legs in front of him. “So, what do you _really_ want?”

For a split second, Baekhyun sees guilt in Kyungsoo’s eyes, but all he sees next are the stars when Kyungsoo turns to him and leans forward. He can feel the younger’s breath on his lips as he shifts back.

Kyungsoo closes the gap by leaning forward. The hairs on the back of Baekhyun neck stands up when he hears a soft whimper come from Kyungsoo. He lets Kyungsoo crawl over him and scoot closer as he stays in his spot, planting and gripping the sand beneath his hands.

“How are you?” Kyungsoo asks when he pulls away breathlessly. He keeps his hands on Baekhyun’s shoulders and stares at him through the dark.

“Chanyeol told me to remind you to come to his birthday party and not to arrive two hours late,” Baekhyun answers casually, like everything is rehearsed. The tone; the look in his eyes – like it’s routine. “You’re coming, right?”

“Of course,” Kyungsoo nods as he presses his lips again against Baekhyun’s. “Who’s going to take care of you when you get drunk if not me, right?”

Baekhyun laughs. “You always had someone else to worry about.”

“Not this time.” Kyungsoo shakes his head slightly. “Maybe not ever again.” He throws his arm around Baekhyun’s neck and pulls him closer, hungry for the kiss.

Baekhyun smiles a sad smile because it’s a lie. It’s a routine. It’s a lie. “I’m okay,” Baekhyun speaks again after a while. “To answer your question earlier.”

It’s a lie.

“I’m always going to be okay.”

Four hours of sleep and a headache later, Kyungsoo bursts into Baekhyun’s house’s front door looking fresher and more kept than last night.

Baekhyun drove them to the beach and drove them back home while Kyungsoo slumbered in the passenger seat for the rest of the drive back. He got home at around five in the morning, he set an alarm for ten because he knew Kyungsoo is going to barge in on him again. It’s a miracle he hasn’t passed out yet, but he guesses that it comes with practice. Tons of practice driving for hours and hours and being awake in such an odd hour just to listen. Just to comfort.

He sits on the bench in front of the piano in their living room and tries to keep himself awake when Kyungsoo prances on the wooden flooring. His hair stands up on different directions and he hasn’t taken the sea-smelling hoodie he wore earlier.

The usual routine is Kyungsoo arriving at around ten to eleven, Kyungsoo bugging the living hell out of Baekhyun from arrival to lunch, Baekhyun’s mother serving them food for lunch, and then studying for their classes together. Although, the last one should be marked with an asterisk, because sometimes, they did a little bit more than just study.

“Have you learned something new?” Kyungsoo scoots over on the bench and looks at Baekhyun’s side profile with those wide eyes.

“No,” Baekhyun mumbles with a small shake of his head. “It’s been a while.” Baekhyun hovers his fingers above the keys.

“Play me _that_ song,” Kyungsoo says to break the silence. He bounces in his seat with excitement.

“ _That_ song?” Baekhyun deadpans. “Kyungsoo, i’ve played you like a hundred of songs. How vague can you get?”

“Hey,” Kyungsoo exclaims. “Don’t over exaggerate.”

Baekhyun only stares at him. “I’m not. I could name a hundred songs i have played for you. Don’t test me.”

“Just play the one that you made for me. _That_ one!” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and plays the first four notes of the song.

Baekhyun’s eyes follow his fingers, to his arm, to his eyes. “You’ve been trying to study the song I wrote you?”

“It’s a beautiful song, Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo mutters. “Even Chanyeol wanted to learn how to play that song to pick up some girls.”

“I feel flattered,” Baekhyun smiles. He lifts his hand and puts his fingers in place. He feels rusty, just because he hasn’t had the time to play because of all his school works, but he just has to today. He loves how he can cheer Kyungsoo up with this. He lives for the smile on Kyungsoo’s face after finishing a piece.

Baekhyun worked on the song for about three months before he was confident enough to let Kyungsoo hear it. The younger boy even decided to make it his ringtone, therefore capturing Chanyeol’s attention and begging Baekhyun to try and write sheets for it.

The song progresses from a slow and light start to a more heavy tone picking up slightly in the rhythm. It makes the corner of Baekhyun’s mouth twitch when he hears Kyungsoo humming along. Kyungsoo stops in his position to stare in awe at Baekhyun’s hands. Slender and candle-like, he’s fascinated by how Baekhyun’s fingers can play something that beautiful. The slow drags again near the end, and Baekhyun finishes the song smoothly.

“You know when i find you the most attractive?” Kyungsoo asks once Baekhyun finishes playing the last note. Baekhyun tilts his head. “When you’re doing what you love the most.”

Baekhyun snorts. “When we’re studying?”

“When you play,” Kyungsoo corrects. He presses one key and looks back up at Baekhyun. “When you’re so concentrated on the song. When your fingers tremble with emotion as you play each note. When you close your eyes and feel the song.”

“It just amazes you that i can still press the right keys without having to look down,” Baekhyun laughs.

“So what if it does? You have a problem with that?” Kyungsoo says as he raises his eyebrows in defense. “i just love watching you play, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun plays a short tune as he smiles. “Let’s quit life so i can just play the whole day while you watch.”

“I’d love that,” Kyungsoo says, almost inaudible. His breath on Baekhyun’s neck makes the pianist press a flat key. “But then, you can’t play every minute of every day because I like doing this too.”

Those soft, plump lips getting in contact with the pale skin on Baekhyun’s neck makes him stop what he was playing abruptly. He closes his eyes and holds his breath. He turns his head and meets Kyungsoo’s lips. “We can,” he says in between kisses, “do this too.” He lingers above Kyungsoo’s lips and brushes on them softly before smiling into the kiss.

Baekhyun wants to hold on to this so much. He wants to have a grip of this moment and never let go, but he knows that he has to soon. And knows that he won’t be able to do it after a while again.

Kyungsoo pulls back when they hear a bell ring from the other side of the wall, signalling that Baekhyun’s mother is almost done preparing lunch. Baekhyun whines quietly at the loss of contact, which just makes Kyungsoo laugh.

“Kyungsoo...” Baekhyun starts. He watches Kyungsoo’s small, nail-bitten fingers slide softly on the black and white keys and as they play one single note at a time. Baekhyun licks his lips as he thinks about the next words he’s going to say. “We’ve never talked about this, but.”

“It’s time to eat,” Kyungsoo cuts off and is quick to retract his hands close the piano shut. “We should help your mother set up the table.

“Kyungsoo, what are we doing?” Baekhyun blurts out. Kyungsoo only blinks with a blank expression. “I mean, this has been going on for so long. What am I to you?”

A sigh escapes Kyungsoo’s lips. “You make me feel loved, Baekhyun. I hope I do the same to you. Now, let’s go help your mother.”

Baekhyun’s watches Kyungsoo’s back disappear behind the door to the dining area and lets out a deep breath.

He’s happy that he makes Kyungsoo feel loved, and he sort of does feel the same way, in a way. But it always feels like he gets the shorter stick. The attention that someone else didn’t want. The attention that’s only given to him just because someone else isn’t there.

And it sucks, but he’s been dealing with it for two years. He wonders if he’ll ever be able to stop trying.

 

* * *

 

 

Kyungsoo gets back together with his boyfriend two days later.

And Baekhyun’s trying hard – so, so, so, so hard to not mind them and their skinship on the other side of the table while having lunch with their other friends.

They’re back to the way they were before two nights ago, before they drove to the beach when Kyungsoo broke up with Jongin. Before they spent the whole day together. It isn’t the first time it has happened nor is it the second, but it doesn’t mean Baekhyun’s okay with it. No, he’s far from okay.

Baekhyun stares at them from the far left side of the table as he rips his bread apart.

“What did bread ever do to you?” Chanyeol snaps him back to reality and frowns at the murdered piece of wheat, crumbling on the cafeteria table.

“Fuck my life,” Baekhyun mutters as he tears his gaze away and munches on the part he pinched from the baked good.

“Hey, don’t blame this cinnamon goodness for your personal problems.” Chanyeol hits Baekhyun’s side with his pointy elbow and salvages the bread left on Baekhyun’s plate. “Are you going to take all your anger out on food or are you going to tell me your problem?”

Baekhyun sighs and slumps back on his seat. He looks around and observes that everyone’s immersed in their own conversation so he turns to Chanyeol. “You remember what happened in 2013 during my birthday?”

Chanyeol chokes on the bread and grabs a hold of his throat. Junmyeon turns to him and rubs his back passively while talking to sehun. Baekhyun rolls his eyes at the younger boy and shoves a cup of water in his hands.

“Shit,” Chanyeol coughs as he downs another huge gulp of water. “Again?” He widens his eyes and gets quieted by Baekhyun’s hand on his mouth.

“Two days ago.” Baekhyun hunches his back. “It’s funny that you’re still surprised.”

Chanyeol puts Baekhyun’s hands away. “I keep thinking that you’ve done something every time it happens for it to stop. Well,” Chanyeol crosses his arms. “Do you want him to not kiss you?” He asks with a low tone.

“Next question.” Baekhyun says.

“Do you want _him_ to stop?”

“Next question.”

“Do _you_ want to stop?” Chanyeol raises his eyebrow.

Baekhyun gives up. “No,” he answers. “To all three.” He knows he’s fucked.

Chanyeol sighs and slings his arm around Baekhyun’s shoulder as he picks up his own piece of bread. “Seems like you won’t be able to do that for a while again.” Chanyeol nods in Kyungsoo and Jongin’s direction. They’re feeding each other bread. Fucking bread. “Might as well try and decide right now what’s good for you and what you should do. Not what you want. I’m really tired of giving you the same speech every time.”

The thing is, Baekhyun doesn’t really know what he wants. He knows that he needs to stay away, to end everything, and to keep a distance between him and Kyungsoo and Jongin. And he wants to not get left behind and to not just settle for watching them from the sidelines as his heart broke. But he also wants to kiss Kyungsoo and hug him and talk to him.

“I want him,” Baekhyun exhales.

Chanyeol pulls back and leans his elbow on the table. Chanyeol tries to make the disappointment unnoticeable, but Baekhyun sees the pursing of his lips and he senses how Chanyeol’s quick to join sehun and junmyeon in their conversation to avoid the topic at hand.

He picks on his bread again and prays to some existent god that he could be the one sitting beside Kyungsoo and feeding him perfectly fine and whole bread.

 

* * *

 

 

6th of may 2013.

Chanyeol and Kyungsoo threw Baekhyun a party. He had turned 21 and both Baekhyun and Chanyeol just got into medical school. After going around and fist bumping or hugging people who took their time to celebrate Baekhyun’s birthday, he stumbled upon Kyungsoo in Chanyeol’s backyard.

Kyungsoo sat on the stone stairway with a bottle of Cass in his hand. It was quiet. Too quiet, but Baekhyun could already hear him 10 meters away.

“Thank you,” Baekhyun said. He sat down beside Kyungsoo and put a wide empty space in between the two of them. “For this. I appreciate it.”

“It’s nothing.” Kyungsoo said. His lips curved up to form a smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “It’s nothing.” He shrugged and turned to Baekhyun. “I wouldn’t really mind the trouble if it was for you. You and dumbo right there would’ve done the same for me.” He turned back and snuck a peek at Chanyeol through the glass doors.

Chanyeol was fooling around and was too busy trying to impress the girls Kyungsoo had invited from his and Baekhyun’s music class. Nobody seemed to notice the two of them hanging out in the backyard.

“Why are you like this?” Baekhyun licked his lips and tried to meet Kyungsoo’s eyes. “You should be inside, making fun of Chanyeol with me and trying to mess up every date he’s trying to snatch tonight.” Baekhyun took a long gulp from his bottle and looked behind him again. “Oh, and where’s Jongin? You didn’t invite him?”

“Where’s Jongin.” Kyungsoo laughed bitterly. “Maybe if we didn’t break up today, Baekhyun, he would be here.” Kyungsoo downed the rest of his drink in one take and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He rubbed the back of his neck and sighed deeply. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you tonight.”

“There’s really no good time for bad news.” Baekhyun shrugged his shoulders. “I would’ve wanted to known earlier.” They remained still; staring at the eerie garden. Baekhyun broke the silence the crickets were filling and turned to Kyungsoo. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Kyungsoo picked up another bottle Baekhyun hadn’t noticed was there when he sat on that spot. “Not really.” Baekhyun heard Kyungsoo stumbling with his words, an indicator that he was well on his way to getting drunk.

Baekhyun was feeling more warm than usual too.

“What do you want to do? You want to go out?” Baekhyun offered.

Kyungsoo licked his lips. “I want to forget.”

“Hence the alcohol?” Baekhyun nudged over to two empty bottles by Kyungsoo’s feet.

Kyungsoo chuckled. “Not enough.”

“What would be?” Baekhyun asked. He would give it to Kyungsoo if it was in his power. But when Kyungsoo scooted over and filled the gap between them, he felt his heart skip a beat. He felt warmth taking over him when Kyungsoo’s arm brushed against his and when their legs touched.

“Would you be?” Kyungsoo whispered as he mindlessly put his third bottle down on the cemented floor. He stared straight into Baekhyun’s eyes and shifted his gaze to the elder’s lips. “I think you would be.”

Baekhyun stayed still in his spot and didn’t move an inch. He didn’t move back or didn’t move forward. “What are you–”

“Kiss me.” Kyungsoo left approximately an inch between them and Baekhyun could smell the alcohol on Kyungsoo’s breath. He could almost taste the alcohol on his lips...

“Kyungsoo, I don’t think you’re in the right mind right now.” Baekhyun blinked. He wanted to lean in... He wanted to so bad.

“Kiss me.” Kyungsoo repeated.

“Kyungsoo, even i think I’m drunk.”

“Kiss. Me.”

“Kyungsoo, I think...” Baekhyun froze in his spot with his lips barely brushing Kyungsoo’s. He was pushing himself to say something. _I think you’re just confused. I think we’re caught up in the moment. I think you don’t really want this, not as much as i do. I think you’re my best friend and best friends shouldn’t do this._ But something inside Baekhyun snapped, and he let his eyes close when he let the breath he’s been holding out. “I think I’m out of excuses.”

It must be the three years that he first had feelings for Kyungsoo. Or something.

He presses their lips together and melts into Kyungsoo’s touch on his neck. The first kiss was soft. Innocent even. But the second time, Kyungsoo slipped his tongue and they could both taste the drunkenness of each other. Baekhyun grabbed a fistful of Kyungsoo’s shirt and he whimpers when he felt Kyungsoo pull softly on his locks. It was wrong. So, so, so wrong.

But it felt so right.

Baekhyun pulled away for a second and rested the back of his hand on his lips as he stared straight into Kyungsoo’s orbs through the dim light of the lamps.

“Do you like this?” Kyungsoo asks with a low tone. “Kiss me again.”

“I do,” Baekhyun answers. For the third time without hesitation, they connected their lips together again and again and again until they ran out of breath. “God, I do.”

They pulled away long enough to get back inside the room and discreetly sneak into one of the guest rooms that they usually slept in whenever they slept over at Chanyeol’s house. Their dishevelled appearance didn’t faze a lot of people, considering most of their guests were just as equally tipsy.

The moment Baekhyun stepped inside the guest room, he was pushed up against the wall and was pinned there by small and nimble hands. Baekhyun could feel the trembling in Kyungsoo’s fingers reaching under his shirt and he felt the dampness touching his cheeks.

Kyungsoo was crying and that seemed to be enough signal for Baekhyun to pull away his lips, his hands, and himself. Kyungsoo rested his head on Baekhyun’s shoulders and sobbed as he let his arms wrap around Baekhyun’s waist.

“You should...” Baekhyun chew on his lips. He’s already missing the touch of Kyungsoo’s soft ones. “Rest. It’s been a long day for you, I’m sure.” He led Kyungsoo to the bed in the middle of the room and pushed his shoulders down to force him to sit down. “Get ready for bed. I’ll grab clothes from Chanyeol’s closet so you can change.” Baekhyun said coldly, as if what just happened didn’t.

By the end of the night, they slept together side by side on the bed as Baekhyun’s comforting touch tried to lull Kyungsoo to sleep. It had been a while until the tears stopped, but it did eventually and Kyungsoo was knocked out on the bed.

Baekhyun slipped away from Kyungsoo’s grasp and replaced his figure with a pillow for the younger to hug. He finds Chanyeol in the living room in the middle of the night, picking up cups and bottles from the tables and counters and stuffing them into a huge black bag.

“I saw,” Chanyeol said. His voice wasn’t accusing, more of disappointed but sympathetic. It startled and made Baekhyun freeze on his spot. “You know that you’re the only one who’s going to get hurt in this, right?”

“They broke up,” Baekhyun shuffled beside Chanyeol and began picking up bottles as well. “Doesn’t that mean i can start liking him?”

Chanyeol snorted. “It’s like you haven’t been friends with Kyungsoo for years.” He picked up one bottle and pointed it towards the door of the room Kyungsoo was slumbering in. “that guy... That boy? He’s too deep into Jongin’s ass, Baekhyun. They’ve been together since high school.” He throws the bottle in the bag with slightly more force. “What makes you think he’s going to move on this fast? What makes you different from a rebound?”

“Thanks for making me feel worse, buddy,” Baekhyun spat out. He crushed a plastic cup with his grip and shoved it inside the bag. “It really gives me hope.”

“I don’t want you to have hope, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol sighed. “That’s just it. I don’t want you to expect because i know you’re going to end up being heartbroken. And I’m not mad,” he shoves the black bag to the side and puts a hand on Baekhyun’s arm. “I’m looking out for you, Baekhyun. As much as you love him, i know you don’t really want to ruin your friendship with him.”

Baekhyun hated that Chanyeol was right.

“I’m not going to dip in this. This is your own problem to fix, so you do something about it, okay? Don’t just sit around and let him do this to you.” Chanyeol’s voice made him feel so small because it slapped him hard that he was right.

Maybe Chanyeol should’ve done something, though. Because Baekhyun never got to talk to Kyungsoo about it. The issue came and went as fast as Kyungsoo got back together with Jongin. Every time the couple would fight, Baekhyun would be the comforter and neither of them really talk about what they’re doing.

It’s a vicious cycle of keeping Baekhyun on the hook, and it hurts Baekhyun so much, but he doesn’t want to stop doing what they’re doing either.

Baekhyun couldn’t really count how many times it has happened already. He wishes Chanyeol stepped up when it first happened because he wasn’t able to stop himself. He isn’t able to stop it until now.


	2. destroy what you create

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes, it hurts more to keep holding on than to let go.

“Midterm rankings for your year are posted,” Kyungsoo meets Baekhyun in the library. It’s been about a month since Kyungsoo and Jongin got back together. “Sixth place, you freaking beast. Byun Baekhyun, you should treat me for that superb ranking.”

“Want to grab ice cream cake at the shop where i bought your birthday cake?” Baekhyun pushes his notebook and text book aside. “’I’ve spent my allowance for Chanyeol’s birthday gift, so I can’t really treat you to anything more.”

“Ice cream cake sounds great,” Kyungsoo smiles excitedly and pushes himself up from the wooden chair. Baekhyun stuffs all of his books and pens inside his bag and slings it over his shoulders. “Are you doing anything tomorrow night?” Kyungsoo asks as they walk down the street.

“I’m not sure yet. Do you have something in mind?” Baekhyun shoves his hands in the pocket of his jeans. The season is already starting to get cold.

“Nothing, really. I just wanted to hang out with you and Chanyeol. Jongin cancelled on our movie so...” Kyungsoo trails off as he hangs his head low and kicks on the stones in their path.

Baekhyun bites his tongue. He’s supposed to enjoy this time with Kyungsoo. It isn’t the right time to have a screaming match.

They get the ice cream cake with lots of fruits as topping. Kyungsoo’s favorite. There’s cream on Kyungsoo’s upper lip and it takes all of Baekhyun’s self-control to stop himself from wiping it with his thumb and licking it.

“So are we on for tomorrow?” Kyungsoo smiles brightly.

“Yeah, I just have to check with–” Baekhyun’ attention is caught by the person standing over their table with a grin. “Junmyeon.”

“I saw you two from the window so dropped by,” Junmyeon says. “Congrats on your ranking, by the way.”

“Thanks,” Baekhyun gives back a smile.

“Oh and remember that tutoring thing you asked me about?” Junmyeon flips his phone out and presses the screen a couple of times. “I was hoping to run into you because I thought I’d tell you that there’s someone who needs tutoring for biology. She’s in desperate need to pass the subject.”

There’s a twitch in Kyungsoo’s eye that both Junmyeon and Baekhyun miss.

Baekhyun’s eyes lighten up. “Really? That’s awesome. Send her my number so she can get in touch, okay?”

“I’ll send it now.” Junmyeon nods. “I’ll see you two around,” he smiles at both Baekhyun and Kyungsoo, and walks back out in the cold street.

There’s a short pause before Kyungsoo speaks up. “You’re tutoring? Isn’t your plate full enough because of me?” Kyungsoo laughs.

“All the whining aside, you’re not that bad of a student,” Baekhyun grins. “I just think I have too much free time. I want to get busy, that’s all.”

“You can spend more time with me,” Kyungsoo wiggles his eyebrows. He seats his elbow on the table and leans forward with a playful smile pasted on his lips.

 _I could use more time away from you_ , is what Baekhyun wanted to say, but he settles for letting out a small laugh. He plucks a whole strawberry and licks the cream off before popping the whole fruit in his mouth.

Kyungsoo’s smile falters slightly and he clenches his jaw. “Baekhyun, are you avoiding me?”

“Avoiding you?” Baekhyun scrunches his eyebrows together. “I’m here right now, right?”

“We haven’t spoken to each other for a while now,” Kyungsoo says. “Our meals haven’t been that frequent and you’re going to start tutoring soon so that means less more time for us to hang out... So what’s up?”

“It would give you more time with Jongin,” Baekhyun answers. He leans back in his seat and forces a smile. “He is your boyfriend after all. You should spend more time with him.”

“Baek...” Kyungsoo’s tone makes Baekhyun want to cry. “Is something wrong?”

 _Everything._ Baekhyun shakes his head. “No. Nothing’s wrong. I just–” his phone rings and it’s an unregistered number. His gaze meets Kyungsoo’s eyes and his mouth falls agape. “I’m sorry, let me take this.”

It is Baekhyun’s tutee. Baekhyun tries to answer as calmly as possible and agrees to meet with her the next day to discuss schedules.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun avoids Kyungsoo’s eyes and stands up from his seat. “I have to get back to the library to finish my outline for a paper I’m making. And I’m afraid I won’t make it tomorrow night. Ask Chanyeol and Sehun,” he suggests as he puts his jacket on and slings his bag on his shoulders. “They’ve been dying to watch that new The Hunger Games movie.” He tries not to notice the sad, disappointed, and glassy look in Kyungsoo’s eyes. “I’ll call you.”

Kyungsoo opens his mouth to say something, but snaps it shut immediately. “I’ll see you at Chanyeol’s birthday.”

Baekhyun nods and walks away from the table and out of the shop.

“I’m an asshole,” Baekhyun says through the phone when he’s on he’s way back to the library. “I can’t believe I said no to Kyungsoo. I never say no to Kyungsoo.”

There’s a short silence on the other line before Chanyeol howls. _“Holy shit, you said no to Kyungsoo. We should celebrate, man! Let’s make my birthday party a celebration for you finally having a spine!”_

“Fuck you,” Baekhyun mutters.

 _“Come on, Baek,”_ Chanyeol laughs. _“It’s a huge accomplishment that you’ve finally started standing up for yourself. I’m just proud.”_

“Do me a favor and take him with you and Sehun to watch a movie,” Baekhyun almost begs. He could already see the disappointment on Chanyeol’s stupid face. “Jongin cancelled on him. Since you keep telling me to spend time away from him, the least you can do is fill that gap I will leave.”

 _“I mean, sure, yeah,”_ Chanyeol says. _“i’ll go watch that movie with him, but I’m not going to kiss him to fill your gap or something.”_

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “Thanks, Chanyeol.”

It’s going to be a huge, painful process trying to get Kyungsoo out of his system, but he’s tired of getting hurt.

The only problem really is how do you get rid of the person that feels like home?

 

* * *

 

 

Baekhyun enters Chanyeol’s front door with an arm around his date’s waist.

After spending two weeks with each other and after giving much thought if he was supposed to date the person he is tutoring, he asked Yoorae out. They look like the ideal couple together, and Baekhyun’s happy that Yoorae makes her happy.

Chanyeol greets them in the living room with fist pumping in the air. “Damn,” Chanyeol grins stupidly at the girl. “You are a work of miracle. Baekhyunnie has been single for so long!” Chanyeol punches Baekhyun lightly on the arm. “Yoorae, right?”

Baekhyun smiles down at Yoorae and pulls her closer. “Sorry about him. He can get a bit too overexcited when it comes to my love life.”

“That’s because you haven’t dated anyone in three years!” Chanyeol laughs obnoxiously. “Always busy with other things...” Chanyeol pouts at Baekhyun teasingly and Baekhyun glares at him threateningly. “You know, studies and all. He’s a pro in biology and well, all of his other subjects.”

“Oh, I know.” Yoorae brushes her bangs out of her face and giggles. “I wouldn’t have done good in my biology exam if it wasn’t for him,” she smiles up at Baekhyun and feels his arms tighten around her waist. She turns back to Chanyeol with a grin. “Wait, what am I doing? Happy birthday, Chanyeol!” She half-hugs him and gives the paper bag containing her gift. “I’m sorry, i didn’t have much time to think about your gift.”

“I wasn’t expecting one,” Chanyeol answers with a shrug. “It’s the thought that counts.”

“Liar.” Baekhyun rolls his eyes as he pulls Yoorae back to his side. “If I didn’t get him that new guitar, he would have whined about it for the next three years.”

Chanyeol shushes him and it makes Yoorae laugh again. “Then, i’ll leave Baekhyun to give you a tour of the house and to meet our other friends. He knows his way around.” Chanyeol grins. “I’ll see you guys later.” Baekhyun’s about to pull Yoorae to the kitchen to get her something to drink when Chanyeol pulls him briefly on his arm. “Jongin broke up with Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol whispers against his ear. “But please, Baekhyun. Please. Enjoy this night with Yoorae. Don’t come near Kyungsoo. You’re trying so hard to move on and you’re actually getting somewhere. I’ll comfort him for now.”

Chanyeol gives his arm one last squeeze before moving on to another group of friends.

Kyungsoo never leaves his mind when he gets Yoorae something to drink or when he’s introducing his date to his friends or when he’s conversing with other people. All the compliments, all the “you guys look good together, and all the “you two look cute” get lost in his mind. All he thinks about is where his best friend is and what he can do to comfort him.

“Baekhyun!” He turns around to see Junmyeon calling after him with a bottle in his hands.

Baekhyun smiles brightly at the older man, but his expression falters when he sees Kyungsoo behind Junmyeon. His arm leaves Yoorae’s waist as he bro-hugs Junmyeon and as he greets Kyungsoo.

“Hi,” Kyungsoo greets him quietly, and Baekhyun knows a forced smile when he sees one from Kyungsoo.

“Hey,” Baekhyun greets back. Uh, this is Yoorae, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun says as he pulls Yoorae even closer on her waist. “Junmyeon, I believe you’ve met?”

“Yes, that’s right,” Junmyeon nods and his eyes twinkle when he sees Yoorae. “I guess that tutoring thing worked out. Good thing you said you needed a distraction from whatever problem you were having.”

Baekhyun gulps thickly, and he isn’t looking at Kyungsoo, but he can feel the sticky stare the shorter was giving him.

“Chanyeol told me to invite her,” Baekhyun says. “Everyone seems to like her.”

“You two look like the perfect couple,” Junmyeon says. “Coordinated colors and everything,” he laughs when he points out that Yoorae picked a dress that’s similar to the shade of Baekhyun’s dress shirt. He pulls Yoorae into a conversation with Baekhyun’s other friends, which gives Baekhyun time to slip by Kyungsoo’s side.

“How are you?” He asks even though he already knows why Kyungsoo looks like a slight mess with the dishevelled hair and dark circles under his eyes.

What he doesn’t expect, though, is Kyungsoo hiding his break up. “I’m fine. I’ll– uh, have you seen Sehun?” He turns his head and scans his surrounding, purposely avoiding Baekhyun’s eyes. “I told him to keep Chanyeol’s gift for me and that knucklehead has been annoying me about his gift.”

“I think I saw him by the front door,” Baekhyun answers with his eyes not leaving Kyungsoo’s face. “Where’s Jongin? Is he here?”

“No,” Kyungsoo stutters. “He isn’t. He’s too busy,” Kyungsoo reasons. “Okay. I’ll go find Sehun.”

Baekhyun looks back at Yoorae and sees her laughing with his other friends and when he looks back at right, Kyungsoo’s gone. He sees Kyungsoo’s back disappearing in the kitchen area, and he curses under his breath when he finds his self-control thrown out of the window.

He holds Junmyeon’s wrist as he smiles at Yoorae. “I’ll be back, alright? I have to talk to someone. You’ll be okay here?” He asks his date. Yoorae nods and returns the smile. “Okay, thank you.”

He searches for Kyungsoo in the kitchen and in the piano room. He even runs into Sehun and Sehun says that there hasn’t been a sighting of Kyungsoo anywhere.

He steps out of the glass door to their backyard and looks around the empty garden.

His heart stops for a split second when he’s pulled by his wrist to the side, away from the view of the glass panes.

“Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun lets out the air he’s been holding. “Give me a heart attack, why don’t you? God, have you been here the whole time?” Kyungsoo nods in the dark, and Baekhyun can’t see clearly through the dimness of the porch, but he’s sure Kyungsoo was crying. “So, where is Jongin really?”

“I don’t know.” Kyungsoo sniffs. “We broke up.” His gaze flickers up to Baekhyun.

Baekhyun sighs and pulls on Kyungsoo into a hug. Kyungsoo’s hands snake around Baekhyun’s waist and he clasps his hands behind at the bottom of Baekhyun’s spine.

“I’m sorry, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun whispers. “Do you want to go? I can ask Sehun to take you home and we can talk tomorrow if you wa–”

Kyungsoo’s eyes flutter up at Baekhyun’s and he looks so, so, so helpless that Baekhyun wants to just disappear. Evaporate. Scatter. Whatever. Just to keep him from smothering Kyungsoo with kisses. “Can’t you take me? Can’t we go home?”

“I don’t think I can...” Baekhyun steps back to get away from Kyungsoo’s hold.

“Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo breathes out. He slides his palms up against the wall beside Baekhyun’s sides and runs his lips along Baekhyun’s throat. “Baekhyun.” The way he says Baekhyun’s name makes the older moan uncontrollably.

“Kyungsoo, don’t.” Baekhyun closes his eyes and tightens his fist on his sides. “Don’t. Not tonight. You don’t get to do this tonight.”

“But, Baekhyun–”

Baekhyun closes his eyes and prays for dear lord to have mercy on him. “I’m seeing someone. We can’t.”

He feels Kyungsoo’s presence disappear in front him after a while. He opens his eyes and sees the shorter standing just a few inches away from him. It feels like there’s a huge gap, and Baekhyun just wants to pull him closer.

But Baekhyun knows that it will make things worse. He knows that he’ll never be able to get over Kyungsoo if he does that. He clips his arms on his sides to freeze himself.

“Second time you’ve said no to me,” Kyungsoo chuckles. “She’s pretty,” he says as he lets breathes out a cloud. “You look good together.”

Baekhyun rubs the back of his neck and peeks through the glass door. “I’ll ask Sehun to take you home.”

“There’s no need.” Kyungsoo wraps his arms around his torso and turns away from Baekhyun. “Chanyeol told me he’d stone me to death if i leave. I would’ve just gone if it was with you, but.” Kyungsoo’s voice keeps getting smaller and quieter. Just when Baekhyun tries to answer, he’s cut off again. “It’s getting cold.” Baekhyun’s freezing. “We should go in.”

Before Baekhyun could protest and say that they need to talk more, Kyungsoo already rushed to slide the doors open and step in. Baekhyun runs his hand through his hair and grunts in frustration.

The night’s spent with Yoorae, Kyungsoo, and their other friends. It’s amazing how Kyungsoo brings himself like he isn’t heartbroken at all. He laughs at the jokes everyone gives and teases people like he isn’t crumbling inside. Baekhyun spares him a glance probably around every ten seconds, but Baekhyun still misses the hurt in Kyungsoo’s eyes whenever Yoorae squeezes his hands.

At parties like this, Baekhyun usually finds himself sleeping on the floor when he gets too drunk. When Jongin isn’t there, he wakes up on his bed in changed clothes since Kyungsoo’s there to take care of him. Tonight, someone else keeps him standing straight. Someone else takes the alcohol away and says that he’s had too much. And someone else volunteers to drive him home.

He spares Kyungsoo one last smile before letting himself get whisked away by Yoorae, stating that Baekhyun can’t even stand up and pass a sobriety test anymore even if he tried his hardest.

“happy birthday, Chanyeol,” he greets the giant one last time and opens his arm wide for a bear hug. “be happy, and don’t ever fucking fall in love with your best friend.”

“Best birthday advice I’ve had in twenty four years, baek,” Chanyeol pats him on the back. “I’ll make sure Kyungsoo gets home just fine. You take care of yourself, okay?”

“Ugh, i love you so much, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun tightens his grip around Chanyeol’s waist. “Do you love me, Chanyeol?”

“Yes. I love you very, very much, baek.” Chanyeol begins to lead Baekhyun out of the kitchen and out of the front door where Yoorae is already waiting in front of the car Baekhyun brought to the party.

“At least _you_ love me. Why doesn’t Kyungsoo love me?” Baekhyun whines and Chanyeol already readies to cover his big ass mouth. “We’re best friends too, right?” He’s way, way, way drunk.

“Trust me, baek,” Chanyeol sighs. “He loves you too.” Steadying Baekhyun by his waist, Chanyeol hands him to Yoorae and helps her stuff him on the passenger side of the car and put his seatbelt on. “You’re good?” He turns to Yoorae and smiles that creepy molar revealing smile.

“Yes,” she nods. “Thank you for the help,” she gives him a small bow of her head.

“It’s no problem.” Chanyeol waves it off. “I could tell Kyungsoo wanted to volunteer to take him home, but i don’t think i can put the responsibility of brining Baekhyun home right now. Be safe, okay?”

“We’ll be okay. Thank you for the party, Chanyeol.” She smiles curtly and slips into the driver seat.

Slumped down on the passenger seat, Baekhyun had lowered the window, hearing their entire conversation.

“You know,” Yoorae speaks when she stops at a red light. “Your best friend always looks at you like he constantly wants to kiss you.”

Baekhyun licks his lips and closes his eyes. “Him? No. He looks at me like that because he has poor eyesight. He’s in love with his ex. He has been for about six years now.”

“When you talk,” she speaks as she puts the car on drive, “he makes it seem like no one else is around. Like it’s only you who’s there. Maybe it’s because you’ve been friends for so long.” She ends the topic there and lets Baekhyun rest for the rest of the drive.

He recalls the whole night in his head and only ends up hurting his head by trying. He missed the way Kyungsoo kept glancing at him when they were all hanging out in the living room. He missed the way Kyungsoo’s eye would twitch every time Yoorae and his hands or arm would brush together. He missed the way Kyungsoo was on the edge of his seat when Yoorae volunteered to drive Baekhyun home. He missed everything, and all he wants is to be with Kyungsoo right now.

Maybe he isn’t as strong as he assumed he was earlier in the evening. Maybe he isn’t really that ready to let go of Kyungsoo.

 

* * *

 

 

“Right, Baekhyun?”

Chanyeol’s voice snaps Baekhyun out of his trance. He comes back to the world and sees a small girl with a weak smile on the cold metal bed. The whites are wall, the room is cold, and they are quiet. Baekhyun should really stop spacing out in the middle of his rounds.

“Right.” Baekhyun smiles. “You’ll be out of here in no time. Doctor Chanyeol and i will take care of you so don’t you worry, alright?”

The little girl gives them a cheeky smile that makes Chanyeol coo at her cuteness and even makes Baekhyun forget about the problems going through his head. They step out of the room after greeting the parent of the patient and Baekhyun already knows he’s in trouble.

“You know that you can’t just space out like that later when we’re assisting operations later, right?” Chanyeol puts his hands on his hips as he stares down at Baekhyun.

“Of course.” Baekhyun knits his eyebrows together. “I’m trying to push everything at the back of my mind.”

“Try harder,” says Chanyeol before shaking his head in disappointment and turning the knob of the next room they’re visiting.

He tries to put on the best smile for every patient they visit and try to make sure that he gives off a comforting vibe instead of a worrying and troubling one. It’s just so hard when one person is only in his mind.

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol calls from across the table when they’re eating lunch together. “Do you think you and Kyungsoo are ever going to work out?”

Baekhyun flicks his gaze from his own bowl to Chanyeol who is intently staring right at him. “Why? You’re getting sick of my problems now?”

“Oh, well... I’ve been sick of them for a while now.” Chanyeol says with a nod that makes Baekhyun roll his eyes. “But i just want to know what you’re feeling now.”

“I don’t know.” Baekhyun shrugs his white-coat-clad shoulders. “I’ve been trying to distance myself from him to be able to get over.”

“I was thinking and,” Chanyeol says slowly and carefully as he slurps the jjangmyeon, “maybe you should give Kyungsoo one more chance.”

“Chance to do what, exactly?” Baekhyun raises his eyebrows. His arm freezes half-way when he’s just about to put noodles in his mouth.

Chanyeol shifts his gaze to the side and Baekhyun frowns at the avoidance of his eyes. “I don’t know. I just think that it shouldn’t be time for you to give up right _now._ ”

Baekhyun laughs. Chanyeol winces at the bitterness laced with the cackle. “Each time I came to you with this dilemma, you always nagged me. I hear your big, booming, annoying voice inside my head, Chanyeol. Even while I’m taking a test, i can hear you saying that i should just leave Kyungsoo to fend for himself. That I should just think of myself.” Baekhyun narrows his eyes at him. “I’m trying to move on by seeing other people, and now you’re telling me that I should _give him a chance_?”

“It’s not like you’ve completely erased your feelings,” Chanyeol puts his hands up in defense with his chopsticks pointing to the air. He even has black sauce on the corner of his lips. He’s such a slob. “You can’t deny that up until now, you’re still thinking about whether you should do something about your relationship or not.”

“What if he gets back together with Jongin?” Baekhyun puts his sticks down. He’s lost his appetite. “It’s the start of another cycle again. It just repeats on and on and on. It’s tiring.” Baekhyun leans his elbows on the table and he rubs his face with his palms.

“It’s just an idea I’m suggesting you to think about,” Chanyeol says. “You’ve come this far, why are you going to quit now?”

“Because I’m going to keep getting hurt, that’s why.” Baekhyun pushes the bowl away. “Because i’ve _been_ hurting and maybe I want to start loving myself a bit more.”

Chanyeol wipes his mouth with the paper napkin and pouts his lips. “Talk to him, alright?”

“We already have,” Baekhyun shakes his head. He wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to do at the night of Chanyeol’s birthday, but he knows he’s tired of waiting. He’s tired of being a second choice and he’s tired of being okay with that. “I’m not going to do this anymore.”

“I’m just saying,” Chanyeol looks back down at his bowl and picks on the noodles left. “You deserve someone who loves you truly, like he’ll be able to leave everything for you.”

“That’s why I’m making this decision,” Baekhyun says indifferently. “Because I know I won’t ever see the day when Kyungsoo will do that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone's curious, the titles for each chapter and the title of the story came from the song "Flicker Fade" by Taking Back Sunday. It's a really good song so check it out if you're into bands and all that shit.


	3. and wonder why it always ends the same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but maybe this time, it won't end badly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last one!

Baekhyun hates that the vibrations of his phone on his bedside table can wake still wake him up in the middle of his slumber. It’s been ringing non-stop for thirty minutes and on the fifteenth missed call, he finally decides that he can’t ignore it much longer and answers the godforsaken phone.

“Christ, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun answers groggily. “You better have a good reason for calling me on such an ungodly hour.”

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol calls in relief. “Would you have any idea where Kyungsoo would be at this hour? His brother called me and said that Kyungsoo ran off after they had dinner and have hadn’t come back since.”

Baekhyun throws his covers off of his body and sits up. He adjusts the collar of his shirt and rubs his eyes. “Do I look like Kyungsoo’s lapdog to you? How would I know where he would be at one-thirty in the morning?”

There’s a very, very, very, tremendously long pause before Chanyeol breaks the silence. “You really don’t want me to answer that, do you? Because the answer is going to hurt, Baekhyun...”

Baekhyun’s about to hang the phone up when he throws his legs off of the bed and shuffles towards his windows. He can barely make out the figure of the sedan on their driveway, but he’s sure he isn’t just imagining it. He’s sure who it is.

“Are you listening to me?” He cuts Chanyeol off mid-rant and sighs again. “I know where Kyungsoo is, alright? Tell seungsoo-hyung not to worry. I’ll make sure he gets home safe.”

“What are you? Some sort of psychic?” Chanyeol asks. “How do you know?”

“I just do, okay?” Baekhyun says. He picks up a jumper hanging on his computer chair and his wallet on his bedside table.

“Fine,” Chanyeol huffs. “Good night, lapdog. I’ll see you on monday.”

Before he could even start hurling curses towards Chanyeol, he monotone dial tone replaces Chanyeol’s. Baekhyun forcefully stuffs his phone inside his pockets and makes his way to the front door. He slips on his worn out rubber shoes and walks towards the familiar car.

Baekhyun’s steps stutter when he sees Kyungsoo’s silhouette sitting in the driver’s side of the car unlike their usual routine where Baekhyun is the one that drives. He walks towards the passenger side of the car and slips inside.

“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun sighs. “Seriously? It’s too early for this. We have exams coming up and i could use all the sleep I can get. Don’t you have–”

“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo mumbles. He stares down at his hands and fumbles with the end of his jacket. “I just... Really need someone to talk to. No. Not even someone... I need to talk to you, Baekhyun. I know... You’re busy. With exams and papers and your tutoring gig, but please. Let me have just thirty minutes.”

There’s a scream inside Baekhyun that he desperately wants to release now because – _Kyungsoo has the fucking nerve to drive all the way here and ask for his time._ The only reason why he’s suppressing the explosion inside of him is because it’s 1 in the morning, bordering on 2, and Baekhyun would rather not explain to his parents why he’s out in an ungodly hour, which might possibly lead to the exposure of all his late night escapades with Kyungsoo. He stays quiet and calm and thinks the whole situation through.

Now, Baekhyun always has a choice. He has always had the option to stay or to go. And there’s really just one reason why he hadn’t been and still isn’t able to say no to Kyungsoo. It’s precisely the reason why even if he has lab work to do on his first period in the morning, he still lets Kyungsoo whisk him away.

It’s a relatively short drive, just about fifteen minutes away from Baekhyun’s house. Baekhyun doubts that he’ll be able to discipline himself and leave after the next fifteen minutes. They arrive in front of a river.

“It’s not the beach,” Kyungsoo says quietly, “but I know that you never really liked the beach because of the sand and because of the moist feeling.”

Baekhyun presses his mouth shut. “It’s tolerable.”

“Don’t sugarcoat it.” Kyungsoo turns to him slightly and smiles teasingly. “You absolutely hate the beach.” Kyungsoo pushes the door open and gets out of the car. Baekhyun follows, and they sit on the small patch of grass scattered on the ground.

“What did you want to talk about?” Baekhyun extends the sleeve of his knitted wear so only the ends of his fingers are exposed to the cold. Only then does he notice the thin material Kyungsoo has warming him from the cold.

“Junmyeon said that you asked for the tutoring gig to get distracted,” Kyungsoo starts. He licks his lips and turns his head to look Baekhyun straight in his eyes. “Distracted from what?”

Baekhyun meets his gaze. Baekhyun thinks, _what’s the use in lying, right?_ “Distraction from you. I wanted to forget my feelings for you.”

“I see,” Kyungsoo nods his head and looks down at his lap. “I saw it coming. I didn’t mean to play with your feelings, Baekhyun.”

“Oh, you didn’t?” Baekhyun answers like firing a gun. He’s sure his words hurt as much as a wound would. “Two years, Kyungsoo. You played me.”

“Precisely the reason why I’m talking to you tonight,” Kyungsoo says. “Baekhyun, let me apologize.”

There’s a guilty feeling inside of Baekhyun. He tries to press it away because this is, after all, Kyungsoo’s fault. He breaks the quietness of the waves splashing against the walls of the river. “I’m listening.”

Kyungsoo moves nearer and their thighs touch. “I’m sorry for hurting you. For taking you for granted. For using you. Baekhyun, you mean the world to me. I would do anything if it would mean having you around forever.”

“All you had to do was break up with Jongin, Kyungsoo. All you had to do was end your relationship with him and talk to me about what we were,” Baekhyun answers. “Two years, Kyungsoo. Two years of your games.”

“I know,” Kyungsoo says, and he bows his head down low. “Two years. I know. I still remember the first time it happened. I never regretted that day because I wouldn’t have found home if we didn’t make that mistake.”

Baekhyun scoffs. Kyungsoo makes everything sound so loveable, so acceptable. It’s annoying that Baekhyun wants to give in.

“I couldn’t just let go of Jongin. It’s like moving to a whole new country when we broke up. When you spend all your time with one person for that long, you begin to realize that you become incapable of being alone. But, I’m never going to get back together with him again.” Kyungsoo laughs bitterly. They have eight minutes left.

“The first time, I know we were just caught up in the moment. I was lonely. Maybe you already had feelings,” Kyungsoo speaks with a tone laced with regret.

“I did,” Baekhyun says a matter-of-factly.

“And it was wrong for me to take advantage of that,” Kyungsoo explains. “But you can’t say I never cared. You’re understanding. You listen. You gave me the comfort that I needed. You loved me when no one else did,” Kyungsoo shrugs his shoulders. His hands go up to the back of his neck and rubs on the skin. “I lost the game at Chanyeol’s birthday party. I lost the biggest prize of all.”

“It took you two years to realize that what we were doing was psychologically tiring?” Baekhyun raises his voice.

“Baekhyun, I was selfish.” Kyungsoo closes his eyes as he speaks. “There is not a day I live after that realization that I feel bad for using you. I’m sorry.”

Baekhyun looks straight into the waters. He lets the silence linger for a while in the thickness of tension in the air. “Do you expect everything to go back to the way it was right after this? I just accept your apology and we’re back to the way we were?”

A palm reaches his hand and he can’t help but flinch at the warmth of Kyungsoo’s touch. “I don’t,” Kyungsoo shakes his head with a sad smile. “I expect you to move on. I want you to go on with your life and not think about me anymore or what we did. You’re trying to unattach yourself, Baekhyun. And as much as i don’t want that...” Kyungsoo’s mouth is open, but not words come out. He simply looks Baekhyun in the eyes with those wide, bewildered eyes. He sighs in defeat. “It’s what you want. I should give you that space. I owe you that.”

This might be the closure they needed. This may be the last time they go out in the middle of the night because Kyungsoo wants to talk. This might be where the cycle ends.

“I just... Wanted to talk to you tonight because it pains me to know that i hurt you like that. I hurt the one person that felt like home.” Kyungsoo bit his lips and retracted his hand. He wraps his arms around his body and looks down at his lap. “It’s not to ease my conscience. It’s to apologize and tell you that I understand if you don’t want to have anything to do with me.”

Baekhyun inhales and lets out a cloud of breath. His thirty minutes are up, but he can’t seem to get up and leave.

“You never loved me, did you?” Baekhyun mumbles.

Kyungsoo remains frozen on his spot. His eyes flutter up at Baekhyun and he stares straight into his eyes.

“You never did. Tell me,” Baekhyun says. “You never loved me.” His hands ball up into fists on his sides. Kyungsoo winces at his words and runs a hand through his hair.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kyungsoo replies.

“If you really loved me, kiss me,” Baekhyun challenges. It’s two in the morning. Baekhyun’s grandmother is right, nothing good really happens after two in the morning. “If you really did.”

Kyungsoo bites his lower lip and moves back to put a gap between them. Neither of them can feel the warmth. Just the bitter coldness of the mornight. “I can’t.”

“Because you never loved me?”

“No.” Kyungsoo shakes his head.

“Then kiss me.” Baekhyun leans forward just as Kyungsoo leans back. The information that Kyungsoo never really loved me shouldn’t be surprising, but it still hurts like a bitch, especially when all Baekhyun has like is his best friend.

Without a warning, Baekhyun leans forward and closes the space between their lips. He captures Kyungsoo’s heart-shaped ones. The tips of his fingers meet the warmth on Kyungsoo’s neck as he pulls him closer, and it’s so familiar, so, so, so much like home that he doensn’t want to let go.

Kyungsoo does, and even though Baekhyun has already felt him melting into the touch, he moves back and away from Baekhyun’s reach.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” Kyungsoo says quietly. It sounds so loud through Baekhyun’s ears.

“You never loved me,” Baekhyun bites the feeling of raw lips.

“Get inside.” Kyungsoo touches his lips with the back of his hands. “I’ll drive you home. You gave me thirty minutes.”

It shouldn’t be much of a difference, and it was already freezing cold when they went out, but the temperature seemed unbearable on their way back, even inside the car. They drive back in silence, just like their drive on the way, neither trying to start a conversation again.

Kyungsoo pulls up to Baekhyun’s driveway and closes the engine.

“Baekhyun,” he speaks just as Baekhyun puts his hand on the door. “I couldn’t kiss you. Not when I’m saying goodbye. It’ll make everything harder for you. It’s going to make everything hard for me.”

“If you never felt anything about me, just say it, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun spits the words out. “I’m tired of your excuses.”

Kyungsoo licks his lips and tightly grips the wheel. “I know a lot of things about you. Your favorites, your dream, your dislikes, your crushes, your problems... I listen. I care. I take note of everything. I know that you wanted to be a professional pianist. And I know that you don’t like studying, but do it anyway because you might as well be good at what your parents want you to do,” he says. “I know more. I just... Care about you.”

Baekhyun doesn’t turn to face him.

“Don’t ever think i didn’t love you. Don’t ever think that I don’t,” Kyungsoo finally says as he turns the ignition to start the engine. “I really hope you and Yoorae work out.”

Baekhyun steps out of the car and walks inside the house.

He doesn’t look back, he doesn’t run, and he doesn’t stop Kyungsoo from driving away.

That should’ve been their closure, but it feels like there are still a lot of things unsaid. Like he’s supposed to unattach, but there is still so much reason to stay. That should be the queue for Baekhyun to finally burn that house down, but he only feels like he wants to stay in it more.

 

* * *

 

 

Baekhyun schedules the last tutoring session with Yoorae.

Her biology finals is around the corner, and they’re both sure that Yoorae can survive the whole thing because of Baekhyun’s magic.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” Yoorae laughs. She throws her arms around Baekhyun’s shoulders and cling to him for a hug. “IF it weren’t for you, I’d be repeating Biology.”

“This is all you,” Baekhyun squeezes her inside his arms and lets her down. “I just came up with a way for you to understand everything better.”

“Still,” Yoorae lets go and pouts her lips. “It’s still because of you.”

Baekhyun grins and stuffs his books inside his bag.

“I was wondering, do you want to get dinner later?” Baekhyun looks up at her and stops his hands. He licks his lips and stumbles to find words.

“I don’t think...” Baekhyun shakes his head. “No, I’m sorry. I don’t think we can work out that way.”

After giving it much thought, Baekhyun isn’t any different from Kyungsoo. He’s using someone to forget, and that’s something Baekhyun doesn’t want to do because he knows how much it hurts or how much it’s complicated.

Besides, he isn’t completely over Kyungsoo.

Yoorae plasters a smile on her lips anyway. “It’s okay. I didn’t expect you to say yes. It was fun, though. Thank you for tutoring me and for spending some time with me.”

“I would still like to be friends, if that’s okay with you, though?” Baekhyun steps forward and beams at her. “you have my number. Send me a text and we’ll see if we’ll have time to meet.” He glances at his wrist watch and widens his eyes. “I have to go. I have to meet several people. I’ll see you, okay?”

“Goodbye, Baekhyun,” Yoorae smiles and Baekhyun is quick to shove the rest of his books in his bag and scurry off.

 

* * *

 

 

“Bad day?” Chanyeol asks when Baekhyun drops his bag point blank on the ground.

“More like bad life,” Baekhyun answers.

“It could get worse,” Chanyeol pats his back when he sits down on the empty seat beside the giant. “You can get cancer and then die.”

“I always appreciate your comforting words, Chanyeol.” Baekhyun narrows his eyes. “Can you pass me the japchae?” He eyes the glass noodles which he has been craving for the whole morning. He just wants to eat, and eat, and eat, and forget about everything.

“How’s Yoorae? Didn’t you just finish a session with her? You should’ve invited her to lunch,” Junmyeon says from across the table.

“Well, I-uh, told her that we weren’t going to work out,” Baekhyun answers casually to make it seem like it isn’t a big deal. “We wrapped up the lessons today. She has biology in the bag anyway.”

It gets silent around the table, and he’s met by the look of disbelief on Chanyeol’s face when he turns to him.

“You’re really one of a kind, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol rolls his eyes.

“What did you what to happen?” Baekhyun puts his chopsticks down to stare at Chanyeol. “Use her to move on? Yeah, ‘cause that always works out very well, right?” Baekhyun reads the time on his watch. “I’m going to skip lunch. I have to find tons of books in the library. I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

 

***

 

When Baekhyun’s through the double doors, Junmyeon shakes his head and laughs to himself. “How long do you give Baekhyun and Kyungsoo?” He turns to ask Sehun.

“I don’t know, it might be a while. I mean, look at them now. It’s been two years, hyung. There hasn’t been much of a difference.” Sehun rolls his eyes.

“I don’t know,” Chanyeol smirks. “This time, they might do it right,” he says, as he takes his phone out and presses his keys to send a text.

 

***

 

Baekhyun rushes through the corridors and finds the door to the library within a few minutes. He can probably navigate through the shelves blindfolded. He has no problems at all finding the shelf for the references he needs even if the library is huge.

He doesn’t expect to ever have to talk to Jongin ever again, but when he takes a turn to use the Asian history shelf as a shortcut, he sees tan skin contrasting with newly bleached locks. And he wants to turn away and just run off as if he didn’t just step in there, but he meets Jongin’s eyes point blank. He wants to sob.

“Hi, hyung.” Jongin blinks. No smile, no expression. Baekhyun feels like he could die at that moment.

“Jongin,” Baekhyun smiles awkwardly. “Hi? What are you doing here?”

Jongin frowns. “Borrowing a book? Hyung, this is a library.”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry,” Baekhyun rubs the back of his neck with his hands. “I’m– yeah.”

“How’s Kyungsoo-hyung?” Jongin asks with a casual tone.

“He’s...” Baekhyun’s mouth is dry. “He’s not okay. It’s been a while since I’ve spoken to him.” Baekhyun opens his mouth to speak, but closes his lips shut again. “Jongin, I just want to tell you that I’m not mad at you,” Baekhyun presses his lips to give a smile.

“I don’t think you have the right to feel anger towards me,” Jongin chuckles.

“But you broke Kyungsoo’s heart,” Baekhyun says. “Best friends should be mad at the person who broke their best friend’s heart.”

“Except, I wasn’t the one who broke the relationship off,” Jongin says. Baekhyun can feel his heart stop.

Kyungsoo and Jongin broke up. That’s a known fact. Another one is that Jongin was constantly the one who always asked for a break between them. Another fact Baekhyun had always known was Kyungsoo was never going to be the one to break up with Jongin because he loves Jongin too much, so, so, so much, that it didn’t matter if he was always miserable.

Baekhyun might want to check that third fact again, because apparently, Kyungsoo has it in him to break up with Jongin. And Baekhyun can’t click it in his mind why and how the younger man did what he did.

“I’m part of the reason why Kyungsoo broke it off. I’m not the caring and clingy type of boyfriend and i think Kyungsoo wants someone who’s clingy and caring.”

Baekhyun can only stare at him dumbly. “But... What?” He mutters.

“He found the love he was looking for, and it isn’t me.” Jongin shrugs. When he sees the dead stare in Kyungsoo’s eyes, he raises his hands in defense. “His words, not mine. I don’t think I’m that poetic.”

Baekhyun stands there, mouth open and eye slightly twitching. He’s frozen to his spot with a million things running through his mind and no words coming out of his lips.

“Take care of him, hyung.” Jongin pats Baekhyun’s shoulder and gives him a soft smile. “He should always feel loved.” Jongin grabs the book from the top-most shelf and smiles as he waves his hand in farewell.

He bursts out of the library doors and fumbles to grab his phone from the pocket of his bag. He types frantically and furiously, like his phone’s screen is going to break into pieces. It just might, as he sends his fifth consecutive message.

Suddenly, everything falling apart is falling into place.

 

* * *

 

 

He isn’t asleep when his phone rings at eleven in the evening. He answers on the first ring without even bothering to check the caller id. He already knows who it is.

“ _Can we tal_ k?” The velvety-chocolate voice says.

Baekhyun pulls a hoodie and a beanie above his head. “I’ll be down in a few.”

He slips in the driver’s seat without a single word. The radio’s turned off and all he can hear is silence. A comfortable one, not the ones they’ve been having for the past few months.

“Chanyeol told me you broke up with Yoorae.”

“Jongin told me you broke up with him.” Baekhyun turns and meets those wide black orbs.

Kyungsoo’s mouth drop slightly agape. “You deserved to be treated a whole lot better than how i treated you for two years.”

It’s so, so, so cold, but Baekhyun feels so warm.

Chanyeol said that Baekhyun deserved someone who would leave everything for him. And maybe, he found just that.

“So,” Baekhyun starts as he wraps his hands around the wheel of the car. “Where are we taking this?”

Kyungsoo turns his head and meets Baekhyun’s eyes. With a slight pull on the corner of his lips, he smiles. “You tell me, Baekhyun.”

Everywhere’s alright, really. Because Baekhyun thinks as long as he’s with Kyungsoo, he’s home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tell me whatchu guys think + kudos are appreciated yay

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for this sorry for the grammatical errors sorry for the bad sentence structuring sorry for the fail plot sorry for breathing
> 
> i wrote this on the way home from a party because i thought it would be nice to have late night drives with someone special. but I’m scared of driving and I’m pretty sure my parents won’t let me out past 10 pm, so I’m just going to pour all of those feels in this.


End file.
